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15 September 2009

Pain and the Rhetorical Ramblings of One In Intense Pain

I want to shout to the heavens that I give up! I am tired of hurting! I am tired of my family needing to be hushed around me! My body is aging and the pain seems to be intensifying. I am angry. I thought I was accepting, after 2/3rds of my life filled with tests, that I have untreatable pain. Was I fooling myself? There is not a preventative, trigger management, a stop-in-it's-tracks (not what is it called, but really that word in a search engine could yield things I do not want), nor a general pain management strategy that works for me.
This post is not for sympathy. I needed to get some frustration out. If I clench my teeth any more, I will be back at the dentist and the last visit(s) well, let us not relive those.
There is not a test that has not been performed. I have seen neurologists in five (yes, 5) states. The conclusion? Nothing can be done. The intensity and severity increase each year. The most likely scenario is the next stroke or two will be far more severe then the previous. That is reality. Do not think I have given up. I take daily medicines to help appease my veins and arteries (I do not think it works, although maybe the pain would be worse if stopped).
For those of you who have never, ever experience pain like this and do not know the pain scale, bless you. I pray you never, ever need to know. For those of you who know what I am writing about, I am so very sorry. My pain levels on a good day hover around 3-4. Today is an 8. I am tired, I hurt, and I feel as though I do nothing more the whinge about the pain. I do not think my family hears me any longer, I cannot blame them, decades have taught them to tune it out.
Maybe it is time to give in and go for the heavy hitting pain meds? My children are older now. I put off all these years since I figured my children deserved a mum who was not popping pain pills. I think they still do, even if they can drive, they still need a mum not on heavy duty pain medicines. I can make it a few more years, I owe it to my children.

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20 comments:

Michelle (Red Headed Book Child) said...

My dear, I am sending you hugs. Though I do not know the pain you feel, my heart goes out to you.

Take care,
Michelle

Andrea Proulx said...

I'm glad you were able to vent. Being in pain is something that is not easy to endure. I don't know how you do it daily. Sometimes it's better to take pain meds if it means being able to help yourself. Sometimes you have to be selfish as a parent. That's my two cents.

Maizie Designs said...

You are certainly a good and thoughtful mother. I agree with Andrea that maybe on days like today you could take the pain medication so you don't have to be in such anguish. I admire your strength and courage.

Jennifer The Forgetful Faerie Queen said...

Jennifer,
I KNOW your pain hun. Vent all you need too. I also live with daily pain, I have Fibromyalsia and several other fun things that go hand in hand. I think at this point that you CAN and SHOULD take the medicine on SEVERE days. I have and have found that once I can get the pain to come down to a dull roar that it can be more manageable. Your teenagers will more then understand. Mine do. They are not babies and I think they would rather see you comfortable then Miserable. I don't think it will make you a bad/pill popping mother. No cure means you just have to manage it.

*big hugs and Prayers to you and your family dear. Let us know how you get on.

Lisa Anne said...

Oh no I'm so sorrry. I hope you feel better. You should take the pain pills if it means you'll be able to live a better life with some relief.

Kim said...

It is certainly o.k. to vent -- to women, anyway :) Men don't get it. I'm not currently in pain, but after some shoulder tendonitis I found that the difference between an ache and pain is pain makes you CRY!!!

I know of other women with chronic pain and no diagnosis yet -- how maddening can that be. It is always a struggle to weigh taking meds or not. Hope you can find a balance. I hope the 3 teen boys don't add additional stress -- I know my last one sure did. God bless.

Jennifer said...

Oh Jennifer, I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope your pain lessens FAST! (((HUGS)))

Pricilla said...

I am very sorry for your pain. I can empathize. I was fighting against the heavier medications when a very wise doctor told me that my pain wasn't going away any more than a diabetics diabetes wasn't going away. Yes, my body would need the pain medication but the pain would be damaging too. It took about three years to find the right group of medications but the base is a fentanyl patch. It provides constant delivery of pain medication so you don't have the up and down of pills. I also take other medications. I had a brain aneurysm and I have chiari malformation that leaves me in chronic pain (constant headache and other pain). Instead of spending 6 days a week in bed it is now only one or two at the worst. If you want more info about my experiences, please PLEASE email me. kaiminani@gmail.com

the narcotics do not leave me fuzzy AT ALL

Nonna (Chèli) said...

I understand. I have degenerative Disc disease and 2s are definitely a good day and you learn to live with 5s and 6s. It's when you get to the 8-10s that you just want to scream! It helps if you have someone that understands what you are feeling but very few people do. You just want one hour or one day when it just doesn't hurt! You just want a small bit of normal.

Hang in, take the meds on those 8-10 days and rejoice when you have 2!

Cheli
Cheli's Shelves

Leane said...

I have read recently about Magnesium supplements helping patients with Fibromyalgia. I know you have tried so many paths, but I just thought I would offer another suggestion. I am sorry for your torment! My mother has struggled with pain from her fibromyalgia for years and takes several supplements that she swears by, if you want more info, email me at webleane{at} yahoo{dot}com. I am certain she would be willing to give you all of her life-changing info. Best wishes--*Leane*

busy91 said...

I don't know what kind of chronic pain you have, but I am sorry to hear that you are hurting. I do know what you are talking about. My pain level today is about a 5. I don't take pain meds, but then I'm a sadist. *hugs*

Mighty M said...

An 8 is horrible, maybe you should get the drugs and then try to just use them when it gets 7+? UGH! Sounds just awful, darn it.

Ryan G said...

Just wanted to let you know I can sympathize with you. I'm one of those guys who gets it I'm only at about 4-5 today and have learned to deal with that level. I'm getting ready to give and and go see a doctor myself so I feel for you. Keep strong and know that there are a lot of us who do understand what you are going through.

LiveLaughLoveCj said...

To My Friend ~

I cannot feel your pain, yet in my heart I do.
I am not right beside, yet I hear you, every words, every whine, I can take it, that's what friends do.
You are angry and rightfully so, I am angry for you
You are remarkable, don't you ever forget it!! You are a wonderful mum to those wonderful boys of yours. You are a great wife to that remarkable husband of yours.

I know you don't want to do it, but maybe it's time, to try another approach, to help make these 8, 9 and 10 days feel more like less than 5. If it takes narcotics to accomplish that so you are a happier, more comfortable mum and wife, then so be it!
Whatever you choose to do, I'm right behind you all the way.

Gentle (hugs) and this one of those tough tough days.

Mama

Wendi B. - Wendi's Book Corner ~ Rainy Day Reads in Seattle said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are in pain, but by all means vent with us! We are a safe community and can at least send hugs and prayers your way.

I doubt this will help you at all, but you never know. My mother has suffered from many ailments and a lot of recurring pain that appear to be part of other illnesses, and she cut out all gluten from her diet. While not ALL her illnesses are gone, she feels much better and the pain issues she was experiencing have almost disappeared completely. It might be worth trying?

Hugs and well-wishes headed your way!! ~ Wendi

Erin @ Closing Time said...

I am sorry that you are suffering so intensely. I pray that you will have wisdom to know what to do in regard to meds.

Jennifer-Eighty MPH Mom said...

I don't like to see you in pain...it hurts me every time you are (which is daily). I, too, think you really need some pain medication - it would be silly not too. If it will help, it is absolutely worth it. In turn, you all might be happier. Your boys are big enough now and taking pain meds doesn't mean you won't be able to function. It actually will be easier to function. ((hugs))...and please talk to your doctor about finding some meds that will offer you relief...please?

mannequin said...

Oh Jennifer.... you will never be construed as a pill poppin mama! If you helped yourself by taking stronger pain meds, I'll bet you'd be able to help them even more, don't you?
I mean, you don't have to take it all day every day but when it's unbearable... At least talk to your doctor about it, will you?
:)

Kathleen W. said...

I know this is days ago, Jennifer, but I really hope you are feeling a little better. I can't even imagine what living with pain is like. My husband has chronic back and knee pain, generally a 2-3 level, but still it wears you down.

I'll be thinking of you.

Jenny Girl said...

I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through. I read medical records as part of my job, and I have always sympathized with people like you. It can be so difficult not only dealing with family, but others too. Chronic pain sometimes carries a stigma which is unfortunate. If only people knew.
Hugs to you sweetie and keep your chin up. Look at those adorable kids and say, "Oh that's right!"

P.S.
How about a pain pump or patch at some point? Not entirely sure if that's possible for you, but something to think about, just in case.

Take care sweetie! You are always so chipper I would have never known otherwise ;)